Shaukat Ajmeri

Looking for a suitable match – part 2

13-minute read

When I started writing what has now become the first part I did not know that there would be a second part. It just happened, one silly sentence led to another and I had a full-blown spoof on my hands. I had to just release it like a trial balloon and see how it went. It seems it went quite well. Thank you for liking it. And please know that your comments are much appreciated. Doing a follow-up piece seemed only logical. So here it is. If you’ve not read the first part, please read that first otherwise this will not make much sense. Here goes…

Dear would-be husband,

Thank you for writing to me. Your letter was like so long I almost fell asleep, and you write in complete words and full sentences. That’s so last century. Just to get even I too will write a prolonged letter – with full words and sentences. Serves you right. And it’s going to take me a while okay as I’m not kind of used to writing like this. I’m sorry if this thing is delayed.

Okay, so let’s get a few things straight. I’m really not as “simple” as you think I am. Actually Mom insisted on writing that ad for me. She said girls must never let on that they are smart even if they are because boys don’t like smart girls. They – and especially their families – feel threatened by them. And I was like…! But you know you’ve to give in when they pull that wisdom thing on you, “I’ve seen more Diwalis than you, and I know what’s best”. I don’t know what to say when she says that, but what puzzles me is why it’s always Diwali, why not Holi or Eid or Christmas? Anyway the point is, I’m as smart as you are and I hope you don’t feel threatened. I won’t eat you, okay! Relax.

For the rest of the ad I just went along with what she said, I had no option with that Diwali firebomb hanging over my head. But I didn’t give in without a fight. I said, okay make me “simple” but then make the boy “fun-loving”. She agreed, saying, boys have every right to have fun. And I’m so glad that you’re taking your fun-loving seriously. It will come in handy. Or should I say you will stand me in good instead? Whatever. You know what I mean. Fun is very important to me. Fun is like so much fun. I’ll tell you more about it when we meet.

I’m really impressed by the amount of understanding you and your family have, probably more than one person can handle. No wonder you have to spread it around. However, (Oh, how I love ‘however’, it makes me feel so educated!) I think there was a slight misunderstanding about the “family-oriented” bit. Even I don’t know what it means, but I’m kind of sure it doesn’t mean Chinese. It probably means that you must always do things facing towards your family. For example, if we go to a restaurant you must sit facing me and kids – the family – and not turn your back to us and goggle at some other chicks. But no worries, I’ll allow you to throw side-glances at them if only you do not insist on showing them your understanding also.

The thing is, if I were somebody else I would have allowed you anything you wanted, but you see I’ve been brought up to do everything in half-measures. I’m kind of confused. My Mom and Dad have been saying different things to me all my life. One says sit, the other says stand. So most of the time I’m neither sitting nor standing. It’s that crazy. Mom is God-fearing, and Dad I’m sure is feared by God. God, they are always arguing about God. He says to Mom your god is the pigment of your imagination and this makes her red blood boil. Now she suffers from hot blood pressure, that’s what the doctor says. They are so completely opposite personalities they should stick together like magnets and actually they do whenever God is not being such a big haddi (bone) in their conjugal kabab.

Mom comes from a poor family so her upbringing was kind of low-key, and I suspect her “god-fearing” is just a put-on. She fears “other people” more. She’s always going on about “what other people will think”, and stressing about looking good in other people’s eyes. And funny thing is she doesn’t even know who these other people are. She is so hyper about the whole thing that when she’s driving she would rather run over a pedestrian in front just to look good to the driver behind. Dad feels sorry for her, says she suffers from manic obsessive paranoia. That sounds so cool, a three-word disease must be so nice to suffer from. Dad says there’s nothing nice about it, it is a disease of poor people because they have had such a raw deal in life.

He says this is the reason why poor people are such junkies – addicted to the opium of religion. He learned all this stuff from Karl Marx, the German dude who started this new religion called Communism and declared that all capitalists will be crushed by their own contradictions and go straight to the proletariat – I guess that’s some kind of Communist hell. Dad’s head is full of ideas from this Karl dude. Mom is convinced that if Karl didn’t exist Dad would have invented him. He is that crazy about him. You see, my Dad has completely different ideas about poor people from your Dad. We better make sure that they never come near each other or we would have a revolution on our hands.

And oh, how I hate revolutions. They give me a headache. Have you ever sat in a merry-go-round or like that stupid carousel they have at fairgrounds? Especially that music, it’s like fingernails on a blackboard. I know you are too smart to have ridden such silly things. From your letter you come across as really intelligent. And what impressed me the most was that you don’t use big words. I said to myself, wow here’s a guy who doesn’t feel the need to impress me with big words. Sure, he must have other big things to show, I thought to myself. But anyway, the thing is that I hate big words because I hate dictionaries.

And here’s why: When I was a teenager I suffered from an acute case of what my Dad called “likemia”. I had developed like this habit of saying the word “like” all the time. I would like say like 10 times in a like 7 and a quarter words sentence. If you’re wondering like why quarter, then like you don’t know teenage girls. We never like allowed each other to finish our sentences. And if we did we would curse ourselves like for a whole week. And like nobody liked that.

Anyway, my parents got fed up of my likemia because they said they could not understand what I was saying. When I said this to my friends they could not like stop laughing. We used to laugh at our parents a lot, and often without any reason. Like the moment you uttered the word “mom” or “dad” and everybody would like burst out laughing. Parents were such a joke. It was our way of taking revenge because they really had us by our gondolas when we were home. Oh, how we detested home.

Anyway, so where was I, yea, my Dad got so fed up with my likemia that he set up a plan to punish me. He said each time I said the word “like” I’ll have to learn a new word from the dictionary. When he said that I felt like gagging that Karl dude. All his fault. After some years I began to get a handle on “like” and learned so many diabolic words. Thanks to Dad, my vocabulary is very randy today. But I try not to use diabolic words very often as you can see I’m smart but at the same time I’m also very humbug. When I use diabolic words they all look at me like perpetuated – as if I’m from an indifferent planet. So you see, likemia actually, really turned out to be a blessing in disgust.

Okay, moving on, I must say that I like how frank and open you were with me. When I read about your laptop and Solitaire, I found it so funny I could not stop jiggling. Sad to know that you were not allowed to play Tom Raider. When I told my big sister about it she said your laptop must have a conservative version 13.0. That is very old. She says you must try the new liberal version 69.0. Her boyfriend has that, it comes with conventional morality disabled. Well, that’s what her boyfriend says. They play it all the time – and they are not even married. She was saying all you need is a mod-chip, I believe it is made of rubber. All you have to do is install a mod-chip and play it with any partner you want. You could also use mod-chip after marriage to avoid misconceptions. Well, that’s what she said.

But to tell you the truth even I’ve not played Tom Raider yet. Because of Mom. She says, “your big Sis has gone out of my hands but I won’t let you out of my sight even for a second.” Now that is not fair, no? But to be fair, all the partners I found were jerks. Dad doesn’t care whatever I play. When I told him about you and your letter, he said, “if you two can get the chemistry right then the rest, as they say, is biology.” Gosh, he makes it sound so hard. So want to gag Karl dude. But I tell you what, after marriage we will keep it very simple, like simple math. So here’s the aftermath of our marriage: First 1 + 1 = 3 and then 1 + 1 = 4. And that’s it. I can’t handle anything more dilapidated. Besides, diapers cost money, you know.

Talking of money, I’m so happy to hear about your long-term business plan. But just want to warn you, don’t be like that Karl dude, Dad was saying he died a poor man. The problem with him was that he was always on the left side of the rich people. What a loser! That’s why all his followers call themselves Leftists. If only they left the rest of us alone. But you make sure you pitch your tent on the right side of the rich people. I’ve heard that they always give with their right hand and the left hand doesn’t even know about it. No wonder Karl dude was left out, uh!

You know what, I’m already picturing you as some kind of a propheteer. But please don’t get too melodemocratic like going on a mountain and issuing commandments and stuff. Nobody believes in that tripe anymore. People have become very shopisticated – they only buy what really works for them. So I suggest that you get some marketing guy to work with you. And also a psyche-artist, Dad says it’s all a mind game – if you know how to control their minds you can control their pockets. So you better get it right baby, and remember I’m right behind you, just to watch your back. I don’t want that woman who’s always behind a successful man to attack you or something. Bitch, if only I could get my hands on her.

And yea, before I forget I must tell you that even I know Philosophy. You know my friend Sofy she’s going out with this guy Phil so we call them Philosophy, as in Branjelina. Get it? I came up with that, nice no? The two of them swear by each other, totally. And I’m like, totally? That reminds me, that thing about life-long commitment was Mom’s idea. I know size matters but life-long, Gosh what would I do with that? Don’t sweat over it, whatever commitment you have is good for me, I’ll grab it with both hands. And yes, my Sis knows a thing or two about guys. She says for guys love is a three-letter word – it starts with an s and ends in an x. Why are guys so dumb? Can’t they count? Not only that, Sis says they also lack tongue-mind coordination. Like they will say something and will be thinking of something completely different. Especially when they say, “I love you” don’t fall for it, because when they say that they are only thinking of that three-letter word. One track mind, that’s Sis’ final verdict on them.

I hope you are not like that, and that your mind has more than one track. It’s so boring to listen to the same track over and over. My Dad does that all the time, he’s so annoying. I wish I could wring Karl dude’s neck! I hope you’re not like that. From your letter you seem sensible but who can know what is larking in a guy’s heart. I like the way you play the balancing game, though. Mom was hung up on that deenduniya stuff. But, as you should know by now, I couldn’t care less. You know I received tons of letters in response to my ad. God, there’s so much desperation out there. One guy had a very interesting way of balancing out things. He wrote, “Whatever is considered bad I do it for six days and then take a rest on the seventh.” You know where he borrowed the idea from, God. Yea, he wrote, “God created the world in six days – which we all know is a bad thing – and then rested on the seventh. So, God has set an example for all of us. If you follow God, you can’t go wrong.” Interesting, no?

Anyway, I’ve gone through all the responses I received and I’m kind of leaning towards you. Now you better catch me before I fall heel over heads for some other jerk. So mister it seems you’re after all right for me. I like people who are on the right side of everything. That’s where the money is and it is money that makes the world go round and we can all make merry. Actually I love this merry-go-round because no matter how fast it goes it never gives me a headache. Some revolutions are just right, right? Money has that magic power, Karl dude could never figure that out. That is why Dad is such a stick-in-the-mud. I so want to gag Karl dude.

Okay I’ll end here, if I’ve missed anything I’ll text you. Writing like this with full words and all is too exhaustperating for me. Keep in touch. Love you.

Your would-be wife.